Ten Books Every College Student Should Read

College is an uncertain time for most young people. But good literature can get them through. To help all of you who are just starting classes this fall, here’s a list of ten books you need to read!

1. Win yourself a college education by becoming a poker pro.

College is expensive. That’s the first thing you learn from college. Maybe you should think about spending the time you’ve got before college making your rounds at the casino with all of the information you’ve just learned from this gambling bible. Yes, that’s an oxymoron (something else you should know for college).

 

 

2. Thinking for Dummies

Everybody knows you’ve got to keep an open-mind in college, so that professors can fill it full of stuff. In college, you should know how to think for yourself, so that you don’t just take one person’s opinion as definite. In order to learn how to think, buy this book that will tell you exactly how. Believe everything the author has to tell you.

 

3. The Art of Racketeering

Written by the esteemed Professor Wildmore, the Art of Racketeering really demonstrates what you should know about college expenses. Of course, the author knows a lot about racketeering, knowing his salary.

 

4. What to Do After College: Learning from those of us Who Didn’t Have a Plan

You’ll gain steps by step instructions about what to do in your very unique situation. It covers everything. It’s a really big and expensive book. So, win some poker games.

 

5. Cycles of Philosophical Thought: Don’t Major in Philosophy, Unless You Want to Teach Philosophy

It’s a vicious cycle, like most other cycles in this life.

 

6. What to Major in if you Want to Get in the Student Loan Business and Make Money off the Next Generation of College Students

When you take those college classes on economics, then get out of college without any idea of what you want to do, why not continue the vicious cycle? There are two camps in economics in college, kid: the hand-outs and the grab-ups. Be a part of the latter.

 

7. The Best Recipes to Nurse That Hangover

Recipes by the country’s best chefs, highly experienced with drunkenness.

 

8. How to Spot a Party

Kind of like Where’s Waldo. If Waldo partied.

 

9. The History of Collectivism; or, How to Be Like the Cool Kids

 

10. Geeks, Guys, and Goofs: The Friend Types You Need to Survive Academic, Social, and Entertainment College Life

Paid Emotional Breakdowns for One Exceptionally Difficult Grocery Store

Reporters took notice Friday of a new policy that has been sweeping businesses: paid emotional breakdowns for their employees. One of the first stores to adopt the policy, Bargain Branch, briefly described the inspiration to us.

“We really wanted to do something that would help our employees really… get right with themselves so that they can muddle through it all a little better than they have been,” Connie Jenkins, general manager of Bargain Branch, said over the sound of agonized wailing. “Will you losers quit ya bawlin’? I’m trying to do this dern interview!” she bellowed in the direction of the Breakdown Break area.

We attempted to catch one of the employees in the act of breaking down to get the best and most genuine response. What our reporters got was their head bit off. “Don’t talk to me right now! I’m being paid to process all these emotions! If it doesn’t work, I can now afford a psychiatrist!”

Apparently, it can be extremely rough working at a local, minimum-wage grocery store. Whether it be just the general hassle of filling shelves and tidying stock, to maintenance of general supplies to janitorial duties, life can really getchya down.

According to one employee, who, mind you, was not on break, described it as this, “The roughest part is the people. Some are the ones you work with. Others are the ones you have to help. It’s ridiculous! All these people are, like, always making it someone else’s problem! Why does it have to be my problem!?!? Why can’t it be someone else’s?”

Connie later explained, “We were tired of our insurance company’s demand that we cover all the things that happened to harm a person’s well-being at work. And that included smoking. So, we have a ban on smoking at work; but we decided we had to make some accommodations. Like letting them process their feelings and stress without tobacco. I like to think this is a real step forward in many directions,” she said, not really knowing what that meant herself.

“This reminds me of when I was a little kid,” Jill the cashier said, setting up the ball tee for Freud, “and I wanted to kill my neighbor Johnny Murphy. I would really love to kill the next cashier over.”
We then made the mistake asking why.

Is this new Emotional Break(down) policy a step forward for the business world, or is it just another opportunity for Jill to continue crying about the people that spread rumors about her? What do you think? Really, we want to know. Come on! Tell us. Are you really gonna make us beg? Cause we’re not too proud. Share your feelings with us. And we’ll try not to laugh.

 

 

Five Things People Believe that Are Not Supported By Science

1. Self-love is a viable replacement for the two-person version.

For a very, very long time, about two years, in fact, it has been held that self-love could get a person by. Now, that superstition is being shaken by recent scientific findings that indicate that is total crap. Like, really. Upon analyzing the matter, it was discovered it was quite well digested.

2. Women like sensitive men.

This myth has been longstanding and pervasive, most likely old wives’ tale, coming from an old wife who did not have a sensitive husband. Later, the old wife got into a fight with her old husband, explained what a woman wanted, and subsequently was told by her husband a woman didn’t know what a woman wanted. Turns out that experience is the best teacher, so one has to live and learn, I guess. But it’s pretty dang inconvenient for all the sensitive guys out there.

3. Keeping your mouth shut doesn’t help to stop global warming.

There is no scientific evidence for it, but there’s no scientific evidence against. I suggest we all try this sometime.

 

4. “No” always means “no”.

If somebody asks, “Can you hear me now?” and you say, “No,” don’t you actually mean “Yes”? Can’t argue with that logic now can ya? No.

 

5. Listicles Count As Journalism.

Couple Introduces New Love-Only Diet

Jake and Tina Evesky don’t run your average family. They don’t even run your average counter-cultural family. Jake, Tina, and their two children practice a certain diet. It isn’t vegan. It isn’t vegetarian. It isn’t paleo.

“We’re lovetarians,” they said in unison, which was really creepy. Slightly more creepy than other weird dieters. When asked what the crap that meant, they responded, “We live purely off love alone.”
Taking “all you need is love” to a new level, there wasn’t a morsel of food to be found in the house, forcing the exceptionally friendly and outgoing mice to also adapt to a lovetarian diet.

“Without you, Babe,” Tina said looking to Jake at her side on their love seat, “I would literally die. I need you. I gotta have you. I can’t lose you.”

“Oh,” he laughed grudgingly, “I’m sure you could dig someone else up.”

“Jake,” she laughed, overcompensating for the newfound tension, “you kill me.”

“Never successfully.”

In fact, their two children haven’t eaten any food in their life, instead living purely off the love of their parents. “We wanted to make a super-nurturing environment,” said Tina, with great enthusiasm and gusto for someone with no bodily strength. She shook her fist in the air with rigor at the thought of bringing up her children. “When carrying the children, I knew that they wouldn’t need any nutrients, but instead grow on my love for them.”

Before the two married, it seemed that the impact of the lovetarian diet was not so mutual. “Yeah,” Jake said, “she was super-obsessed with me before we started dating and it was super-creepy. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it stalker-y, at least not within earshot of her,” he whispered. For approximately two years, Tina didn’t eat or drink, but instead lived off her obsession for Jake. This led her to discover a lovetarian diet. And Jake, not liking to do practical things like earn money for food, found the idea of lovetarianism appealing and began dating her. “Her continual obsession for me has made our love life interesting. Now that she’s not parasitically feeding off my emotions, we do some pretty cool stuff in life. We can go anywhere we want, and we usually do because people don’t usually end up liking us. We’re just too frickin’ happy with life. If we had friends, we would want to share this wonderful and cheap diet.”

We at the Know Nothing believe this just to be yet another fad diet. People phasing out food and sticking to love? Get real. The growing Hate diet… that shows promise.

 

Top Ten Things Every Supervillain Wishes They Had Known

Villainy isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. At least, that’s what we learned from several defeated, incarcerated, and altogether washed-up supervillains in an interview over what they wished they’d known before they’d started the job (as the title of the article suggests). Apprenticeships are a great way to get a career in evil started; just don’t ever get too attached. Always be in a position where, at the opportune time, you can betray your employer and take his empire away from him. Whether you’re combating superhumans or secret agents, you can learn a lot from interviews with seasoned and experienced villains.

 

 

1. Always, always, always kill them when you have the chance.

Sure it might not be as much fun to gloat over their dead body, but don’t be so stupid as to let an opportunity slip away. You may have them on a silver platter (probably a giant one with magnets rigged into it), but is it really that important to reveal you’re actually the hero’s brother? If you really must ramble on, consider increasing the speed of your entrance into the room by 50%. Keep the lights on, so your identity is revealed immediately upon entry into the room. And then make limits for yourself. Make sure your speech is 500 words or less, because, it is decided, after that amount, the hero is more likely to find a way to escape. So please, don’t embarrass yourself. Kill them when you have the chance.

 

2. You don’t get holidays off

Whether it be planting Easter Eggs bombs, or terrorizing people with a land-squid on Halloween. Why should a Christmas go by with peace on Earth? Make sure to leave all of the national holidays well-marred by the time you’re at the end of the year.

 

3. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

It’s hard to find good minions these days. Even with employment websites like FindALocalEvilMaster.com, there is so little skill in actual villainy these days. Minimum wage soldiers just don’t get the job done, or the hero killed. Eventually, every last one of your feeble warriors is going to fail. So be sure to remember that when you need something done, get your butt off your evil throne and kick someone else’s butt.

 

4. There is no substitute for a good sleeper agent.

Be sure to plant someone among the hero’s most trusted associates. He won’t see it coming whenever information that traitor has leaked to you leads to his downfall. Backstabbing has led to some astounding success. We’re hearing great things about it.

 

5. You’re not God. Quit telling yourself that.

The hero can and will beat the crap out of you, regardless of your megalomaniacal delusions. Many people with God Complexes have come along. They’ve all ended up real embarrassed when they got their almightiness handed to them.

 

6. Always have a back up plan.

You don’t want to be that guy who gets his superduper death ray unplugged and doesn’t have another, more devious plan to destroy New York. Always be ready to pull something out of your air and make it into a sinister plan. Like, somehow killing the hero’s love interest.

 

7. Practice your rants ahead of time.

Hire an attractive henchwoman to take dictations. That way you can work out your crazy rants ahead of time, and you don’t have to go all cliché and embarrass yourself, you know, the whole “I will destroy you. Everyone you love. Your world. Yada, yada, yada…” Be creative.

 

8. Turning to villainy is not an appropriate activity for a midlife crisis.

At that age, a person just isn’t of age to be cut out for making escapes. It’s kind of like being a quarterback. Even if it is small-town evil, it’s still just not a good idea. Tring to take over towns full of mutants may seem like the right way to go, but when it’s all said and done, you’re done. This takes stamina. Buy a Ferrari or something like a normal person.

 

9. Always bring a change of clothes in case you need to make a Wal-Mart run.

This one needs little explanation.

 

10. Make deadlines for yourself.

Deadline might be a good name for a supervillain, but it also is a necessary aspect of being evil. If you don’t make yourself do something, it just won’t get done. So plot out a date next week to get your revenge and put an end to your foe.

 

11. Know When to Stop.

You don’t want to be that ecoterrorist that keeps blowing up industrial complexes long after people stop caring about the environment. And you don’t want to be that article-writer that goes to Number 11 on a Top Ten List.

“Mother Earth Offended By People’s Beliefs About Her Age”

Recently, (relatively recently anyway) Mother Earth responded to questions coming from Naturalist and Environmentalist Howard Kim. Kim reportedly has been known to periodically hike in the woods, communing with the forest. The forest is very jealous though because what the forest thought was private usually goes on Kim’s Facebook page directly afterwards. Kim also announced that he would be taking a long sabbatical in the woods, getting several immediate likes from his wife and kids (very supportive of his absence), to sit down with Mother Earth and ask her a few questions.

When asked about Mother Earth’s responses, Kim replied, “She was very happy to hear from me. She doesn’t commune with many of her kids anymore, and that upsets her deeply… And I mean deeply. She says that has something to do with the whole Earthquake situations we got goin’ on around the world.”

Mother Earth also answered quite a few questions about her age, “Just because I have a few really deep canyons here and there, and these really thick trees growing in a few crannies, doesn’t mean I’m that old. I mean, do I really look like I’m millions of years old?” Kim corrected her, saying billions of years. She sighed, sending a few ships to the bottom of the Pacific. “You never ask a lady her age,” she told reporters, “and Howard’s a real sweetie, he didn’t ask… I offered. I’m nice like that. I love to talk. If my kids would talk to me every once and awhile…”

“Okay,” she said. “So I’ve had a few facelifts. Like the Great Flood thing. I had the facelift, but you can’t really tell.”

When asked about Pangaea, she simply responded, “Things begin to move around when you get older.” When asked about Atlantis, or other lost land masses, she noted, “I’m a big gal. I can’t keep track of everything.”

“Billions of years? I don’t think so. It’s taken all I’ve got to spin around that Sun guy for all the time I have. He’s such a hothead. Now, I hear that Alpha Centauri is a nice guy, maybe I should go interstellar…”

“Just because I am literally as old as dirt… it doesn’t mean much. Age is relative… time is relative. Talk to Father Time. He can’t even remember his age.”

 

“Participation Monuments Being Built In Honor of History’s Underachievers”

Yesterday, the Department Recognizing Underachieving Participators Everywhere—commonly known as DRUPE—announced that it would begin efforts to extend America’s monuments to include a more diverse group of figures; diverse enough to include some figures that did not succeed. “We want kids that don’t win to have role models they can relate to. So that they don’t stop trying. Cause if you stop trying, you can’t fail as big as these guys, right?” said Jennifer Wilson, chairman of the committee funding the effort. Wilson said she was inspired by the President Woodrow Wilson to further this SPECIAL cause. “I mean, Woody and I share a last name. How cool is that!? He’s also the reason I have a COEXIST bumper sticker. The guy didn’t succeed in creating world peace. But he tried. And those of us who know what he did, we’re really inspired by that.” Jennifer did not have much to say when asked about President Wilson’s better-known racist tendencies.

Another on the list was President Howard Taft. DRUPE is currently trying to purchase the bathtub he got stuck in during his presidency. Also on the list, Thomas Edison, who tried and tried to steal the lightbulb. “There was a major commotion about whether or not to include Edison. Many consider him a winner because he was smart enough to steal from Tesla.” The list also has a subcategory of pre-Wright Brothers people who tried to fly in America’s history. Later on the list you can find the inventor of the 30’s Cigarette Umbrella, which kept your smokes from getting damp in the rain. I mean, it was the early 20^th century. Tobacco was life… Before… we figured out it was actually the opposite. Another invention was the Turtle, one of the first concepts of a submarine invented during the American Revolution. Unfortunately, not much use was made of the barrel-like submersible, which one would try pedal like a bike before they sank and drowned.

DRUPE considering memorializing Jefferson Davis and his attempts to arm America with his imported Camel Brigade, but he was later president of the Confederacy and the monuments in favor of those losers is completely uncalled for.

He ranks right up there with Native American-killing jerk-failure Custer.

“I think that the effort these guys put in could really inspire America’s youth to do just as good,” Jennifer said. The last underachiever named to be recognized, shortly after the guy that said, “Let’s sends a few guys to Vietnam, we’ll knock out the Commies before you know it,” was Smitty Connels, the man who named DRUPE.

The DRUPE list is very long, and Connels will be dead by the time they’re done and then can be appreciated.