Clinton revealed her strong majoritarian beliefs during a trip to India last week.
“It’s us against the Republican/racists!” she said. “People just don’t understand. They’re all so quick to label you. And everyone single one of ’em is out to get you!”
Clinton says she would rather fight people than convince them.
She said it’s about looking out for most people.
“It’s like I’ve got to teach these dunderheads everything!” Neal Nye said of his current post in the Heartland of America. “‘No, there is no intelligent designer!’ These people don’t even believe the universe spontaneously sprang out of nowhere! The nerve of them. They would know string theory if it cam up and bit them on the [expletives]!”
And there were plenty more expletives where that came from.
“Goddam, it makes me angry!”
Nye said he hopes to spread godlessness from his home state of Illinois all around the Bible Belt, with a clear message, “no news is Good News.”
One day, Nye said he encountered an elderly couple, whom he tried to educate about how their impending deaths would mean their lives were of no avail. “And then of all things! They swatted me with their canes! I’m just trying to teach them that their faith is meaningless…”
He recounted an incident in which he was in a standoff with a local Christian. At his side, the Christian had a copy of the Bible, and Nye had a copy of The God Delusion. Both drew simultaneously and fell to the floor.
They then poked up their heads to look at one another.
“You can’t play the victim! I’m playing the victim! We can’t both be victims!”
“I’m glad they captured that. ‘Cause it escapes most people,” self-described Biblical scholar, pluralist and guy-that-thinks-he-can-be-a-pastor-without-attending-a-seminary Vin Rent said.
The Israelites and the prophets of Baal hosted the shindig on Mount Carmel and they said they did it in the name of one very important philosophy: “Can’t We All Just Get Along?” according to Rent.
Rent said the event even saw God and Baal show up in person, after Baal woke up from all the screaming his followers were doing a the wild party going on on the mountain.
God and Baal warmly greeted one another, using their personal handshake followed by a hardy backslap.
“We’re cool,” Baal said.
God proceeded to the grill where an ox had been doused in water waiting for him to set it on fire.
“I’m glad that we can all see how tolerant God is of other gods,” Rent said. “It’s not like He ever said, ‘I the Lord your God am I jealous God,’ or anything like that. That’d just be nuts.”
“We can’t just stop at talking to these people. We need to whole heartedly accept everything they believe so that we can all get along.”
Elijah and the Israelites then road off with their “COEXIST” stickers attached to their donkeys’ rumps.
Rent said he had not made it to translating 1 Kings 18:40* yet.
Footnotes (since we knew you’d be too lazy to right click and Google it):
Like we said, wild party.
The Know Nothing 