Steadfast Republicans Patiently Await Reagan’s Second Coming

Amidst continually embroiling controversy coming from the Trump White House, some Republicans continue to support the president, while other self-described “true Republicans” have voiced their belief one day the Great Communicator will return.

“We just have to wait patiently and believe one day that things will be as good as they were in the Reagan administration,” local Republican Joe Pensworth said. “Any time I see a politician, I just think to myself, on a scale of one to Reagan, how good is this guy?”

Pensworth reiterated it’s not living in the past to continue to talk non-stop about how incredible Reagan was, since someday he’ll be back and they would do whatever it took to bring America back into the the good times in the 80’s.

 

 

Ned Flanders to speak at Liberty University

University spokespersons said the Christian evangelical would be speaking to students and community members alike to spur spiritual vigor, which would be needed in the days ahead.

“We asked him, and he said ‘Okely dokely,'” the university’s president said.

Study: If intelligence is sexy, why aren’t there more intelligent people?

“That’s natural selection, baby,” the researcher said. “Technically, if these qualities spur reproduction, why aren’t they reproducing?”

Conservatives respond in outrage to TV promoting love, friendship and their liberal agenda

“It’s really not okay. This whole getting along. I just can’t, them and their feel good, get along attitudes. Well guess what, we can’t all get along cuz some disrespectful little snowflakes need to be put in their place!” said one conservative, who also called us a bad name for giving conservatives a bad name.

“These liberals trying get all lovey. It wasn’t Obama that came up with love, okay? It was Jesus,” said one Religious Righter.

 

Michelle Wolf: “Moloch bless abortion.”

Political analyst and alleged comedian Michelle Wolf recently a performed a segment honoring women’s freedom to choose life or death for their children, and “really knock it.”

Her freedom to abort her unborn children she said is a gift from God. She later corrected herself, saying “Oops. Moloch… I meant Moloch. I meant Moloch. Forgive me Oh bull-headed lord and master of Canaan. I’ll make it up to you with a child-sacrifice.”

Sources say Moloch was highly offended by Wolf when she mistook him for that white-bearded old man who loves America.

“Boy, I don’t know if I could be a woman, much less a modern woman, without adhering to an ancient tradition of infanticide,” she said of her “Salute to Abortion.”

“I’m not just going to stop at babies, I’m also going to kill comedy.”

Her show was recently canceled. Sources say it’s doubtful that it was too controversial, because, actually, this ain’t no thang.

 

Hundreds of journalists put out of work after finding out truth isn’t truth

Just when it seemed the Trump administration was creating lots and lots of good journalism jobs just by creating widespread controversy, Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Guiliani revealed recently truth isn’t truth, putting reporters, scientists, and lawyers out of work.

It did however create a lot of new Redittor jobs though. This has, though, driven the Know Nothing to the leaderboard of top news sources, now that we don’t even have to bother anymore!

Poll: Does anyone honestly trust people with handlebar mustaches?

Let us know what you think in the comments below! And if someone disagrees, let them know what you think about them and their mother! Please and thank you.