Yesterday, the Department Recognizing Underachieving Participators Everywhere—commonly known as DRUPE—announced that it would begin efforts to extend America’s monuments to include a more diverse group of figures; diverse enough to include some figures that did not succeed. “We want kids that don’t win to have role models they can relate to. So that they don’t stop trying. Cause if you stop trying, you can’t fail as big as these guys, right?” said Jennifer Wilson, chairman of the committee funding the effort. Wilson said she was inspired by the President Woodrow Wilson to further this SPECIAL cause. “I mean, Woody and I share a last name. How cool is that!? He’s also the reason I have a COEXIST bumper sticker. The guy didn’t succeed in creating world peace. But he tried. And those of us who know what he did, we’re really inspired by that.” Jennifer did not have much to say when asked about President Wilson’s better-known racist tendencies.
Another on the list was President Howard Taft. DRUPE is currently trying to purchase the bathtub he got stuck in during his presidency. Also on the list, Thomas Edison, who tried and tried to steal the lightbulb. “There was a major commotion about whether or not to include Edison. Many consider him a winner because he was smart enough to steal from Tesla.” The list also has a subcategory of pre-Wright Brothers people who tried to fly in America’s history. Later on the list you can find the inventor of the 30’s Cigarette Umbrella, which kept your smokes from getting damp in the rain. I mean, it was the early 20th century. Tobacco was life… Before… we figured out it was actually the opposite. Another invention was the Turtle, one of the first concepts of a submarine invented during the American Revolution. Unfortunately, not much use was made of the barrel-like submersible, which one would try pedal like a bike before they sank and drowned.
DRUPE considering memorializing Jefferson Davis and his attempts to arm America with his imported Camel Brigade, but he was later president of the Confederacy and the monuments in favor of those losers is completely uncalled for.
He ranks right up there with Native American-killing jerk-failure Custer.
“I think that the effort these guys put in could really inspire America’s youth to do just as good,” Jennifer said. The last underachiever named to be recognized, shortly after the guy that said, “Let’s sends a few guys to Vietnam, we’ll knock out the Commies before you know it,” was Smitty Connels, the man who named DRUPE.
The DRUPE list is very long, and Connels will be dead by the time they’re done and then can be appreciated.
The Know Nothing 