In today’s world, those who don’t have answers are the ones who really stand out. Like all the great thinkers, scientists, and philosophers of our time, we Know Nothings don’t claim to know. We’re founded in the great American tradition of hating traditionalists, namely, conservative Christians. The utter arrogance of claiming to know things! I mean those old fogeys are completely sociologically useless, right? Both by age and religious beliefs. Hah! It’s like you just need a mute button for old women everywhere you go, so you don’t have to hear racist chatter.
Anyway, we’re your One Stop Shop for all matters concerning Society, Religion, Philosophy, Politics, Science, and Culture; all the subjects the experts say are completely irrelevant. So basically, we’re your One Stop Gift Shop for your kitschy cousin.
We’re also a fairly secretive society. So, if you like how our party runs, you’ll love the thrill of being a part of something that runs the risk of taking your life. And in the Summer, we have our national NothinCon.
As you may well know, the Know Nothings were first founded some two hundred years ago. Perhaps the most notable Know Nothing was the great, low-profile Millard Fillmore. And it just so happens that on our Top Ten List of objectives is bringing back the name Millard.
We appeal to both sides of the issues: populism and popularity contests. We don’t like long articles with difficult facts. So we don’t have those. Long articles… or facts… If you’re looking for a group of political minds that stand out, look our way. We’re kind of progressive alt-righters. Heck, we don’t want to build a wall. We want to build a dome, first around America, then around Earth (to keep the aliens out, no matter where they are from).
We have our roots in good, honest businessmen, like the Crunchy Peanut Butter capitalist that owns most of the members of our Secret Inner Council.
Ultimately, we want to open America’s minds. We plan to do this through political surgery: by jamming our views down the throats of the average reader, we can direct our views through the windpipe, up the brain stem, and into the brain. The world will be a better place for it.
For a new chance at America, join the Know Nothings!
The Know Nothing 