Reporters took notice Friday of a new policy that has been sweeping businesses: paid emotional breakdowns for their employees. One of the first stores to adopt the policy, Bargain Branch, briefly described the inspiration to us.
“We really wanted to do something that would help our employees really… get right with themselves so that they can muddle through it all a little better than they have been,” Connie Jenkins, general manager of Bargain Branch, said over the sound of agonized wailing. “Will you losers quit ya bawlin’? I’m trying to do this dern interview!” she bellowed in the direction of the Breakdown Break area.
We attempted to catch one of the employees in the act of breaking down to get the best and most genuine response. What our reporters got was their head bit off. “Don’t talk to me right now! I’m being paid to process all these emotions! If it doesn’t work, I can now afford a psychiatrist!”
Apparently, it can be extremely rough working at a local, minimum-wage grocery store. Whether it be just the general hassle of filling shelves and tidying stock, to maintenance of general supplies to janitorial duties, life can really getchya down.
According to one employee, who, mind you, was not on break, described it as this, “The roughest part is the people. Some are the ones you work with. Others are the ones you have to help. It’s ridiculous! All these people are, like, always making it someone else’s problem! Why does it have to be my problem!?!? Why can’t it be someone else’s?”
Connie later explained, “We were tired of our insurance company’s demand that we cover all the things that happened to harm a person’s well-being at work. And that included smoking. So, we have a ban on smoking at work; but we decided we had to make some accommodations. Like letting them process their feelings and stress without tobacco. I like to think this is a real step forward in many directions,” she said, not really knowing what that meant herself.
“This reminds me of when I was a little kid,” Jill the cashier said, setting up the ball tee for Freud, “and I wanted to kill my neighbor Johnny Murphy. I would really love to kill the next cashier over.”
We then made the mistake asking why.
Is this new Emotional Break(down) policy a step forward for the business world, or is it just another opportunity for Jill to continue crying about the people that spread rumors about her? What do you think? Really, we want to know. Come on! Tell us. Are you really gonna make us beg? Cause we’re not too proud. Share your feelings with us. And we’ll try not to laugh.
The Know Nothing 