Jake and Tina Evesky don’t run your average family. They don’t even run your average counter-cultural family. Jake, Tina, and their two children practice a certain diet. It isn’t vegan. It isn’t vegetarian. It isn’t paleo.
“We’re lovetarians,” they said in unison, which was really creepy. Slightly more creepy than other weird dieters. When asked what the crap that meant, they responded, “We live purely off love alone.”
Taking “all you need is love” to a new level, there wasn’t a morsel of food to be found in the house, forcing the exceptionally friendly and outgoing mice to also adapt to a lovetarian diet.
“Without you, Babe,” Tina said looking to Jake at her side on their love seat, “I would literally die. I need you. I gotta have you. I can’t lose you.”
“Oh,” he laughed grudgingly, “I’m sure you could dig someone else up.”
“Jake,” she laughed, overcompensating for the newfound tension, “you kill me.”
“Never successfully.”
In fact, their two children haven’t eaten any food in their life, instead living purely off the love of their parents. “We wanted to make a super-nurturing environment,” said Tina, with great enthusiasm and gusto for someone with no bodily strength. She shook her fist in the air with rigor at the thought of bringing up her children. “When carrying the children, I knew that they wouldn’t need any nutrients, but instead grow on my love for them.”
Before the two married, it seemed that the impact of the lovetarian diet was not so mutual. “Yeah,” Jake said, “she was super-obsessed with me before we started dating and it was super-creepy. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it stalker-y, at least not within earshot of her,” he whispered. For approximately two years, Tina didn’t eat or drink, but instead lived off her obsession for Jake. This led her to discover a lovetarian diet. And Jake, not liking to do practical things like earn money for food, found the idea of lovetarianism appealing and began dating her. “Her continual obsession for me has made our love life interesting. Now that she’s not parasitically feeding off my emotions, we do some pretty cool stuff in life. We can go anywhere we want, and we usually do because people don’t usually end up liking us. We’re just too frickin’ happy with life. If we had friends, we would want to share this wonderful and cheap diet.”
We at the Know Nothing believe this just to be yet another fad diet. People phasing out food and sticking to love? Get real. The growing Hate diet… that shows promise.
The Know Nothing 