Nihilist Goes Around Preaching Good News Nothing Matters

Jill Green got a knock on the door Tuesday, the day, she says, everything tends to happen. Rather than meeting someone with a hopeful message when she went to answer the door, Jill says, she met someone with a reasonable message.

“‘Be free of your guilt,’ he said. ‘nothing matters anyway. Heck, we have no sin. The guy that came up with that idea is dead. Why let his whole idea of morality make your life boring? Your life is pointless, but you don’t have to make it boring!’” Jill told reporters what the Nihilist evangelist had said.

“Man,” she later said, “that was the most moving pep-talk I’ve had in a while. There are very few motivators as good as knowing you’ve got nothing to lose.”

Jill had just broken up with her boyfriend and lost her job. Mostly because her boyfriend had been her former employer. But Jill says that Sean the Nihilist really uplifted her.

“Behold!” he told her. “I have come to foretell to you: in a thousand years thou both shall be dead, and it shan’t matter.” When she asked Sean about her job, he said, “Don’t sweat it! There may be no hope, but there certainly isn’t any pressure, either!”

It seemed that Sean was also quite the romantic. Jill said that Sean had described her eyes as “deep and captivating as the Void.” Sean also went on to supply help to his “child’s” healing process in getting over her old boss/boyfriend. He does slightly more for his children than pass out fliers.

When reporters caught up to Sean, he was very talkative. He led with, “Did you read my flier?” We read his flier.

Front page: “Is there any point?”
Second page: “What made you think this page would answer that question?”
Sean explained his contentious, meaningless viewpoint. “Have you ever seen meaning? Has it ever walked up to you and said, ‘Hi, my name is Meaning!’ There is no evidence.”

Sean represents the non-profit, non-charitable organization Nihilists United. Just what, you may ask, does Nihilists United do? Nothin. “We don’t help hungry African kids. We don’t help juvenile delinquents. We don’t feed the poor and hungry. We don’t hug trees and we don’t save the whales. We like to stick to what’s important.”
Theology Professor Father Duncan was asked his opinion on the topic, and he had this to say: “You Only Live Once. After that, it gets better.”

Nihilism remains the fastest growing philosophy in the world.

Natural Selection Announces Plans To Phase Out Last of Redeeming Qualities in Humans

Natural selection recently announced he would be teaming up with his imaginary friend Evolution to wrap up the whole humanity bit and start something new.

Deciding to postpone planning on what they would actually be working on in place of mankind, the two did say they had more subtle plans to remove the last if humanity’s redeeming qualities.

“All the attractive women and men have more important things to do than make babies despite people’s desire to do otherwise with them. Smart people aren’t lucky enough yo get ahold of an attractive people.

Natural selection is using some very interesting tactics to make this happen, namely by going people better things to do than having kids. “All the highly intelligent people will be at work.”

When Ted Snow, one such human with a very riveting, world-changing office job, was asked about his future plans, he replied, “I can’t have kids. I need to focus on my career right now. So that I can go home and afford crap meant for kids.” At this point, his video game T-shirt became noticeable, indicating his taste for Realm of Struggle: The Next Repulsion.

“Let’s face it, in today’s struggle to reproduce, the nice guys and gals don’t get too far. So… There’s not much luck in them continuing the species,” Natural selection said, “It becomes clear that humanity just isn’t workin’ out. We’ve got to set our priorities. Humanity just isn’t going anywhere. So we’re gonna finish this all up.”

Virgin Spontaneously Combusts Right in Front of Promiscuous Friends

Friday, several onlookers watched in utter horror as their friend, Michael Paulsen, spontaneously combusted as they were walking down the street. Experts suspect it was because he had retained his virginity up to the age of twenty. The onlookers watched in slightly more horror than when their friend had first shared with them a belief in an abstinent* lifestyle.

“You know, it’s like a balloon,” said a friend who preferred to go unnamed given the circumstances of the incident and the desire to not be associated with a virgin, “all that pressure builds up within you and then one day-POW!!!” He had to look away, feeling it was hard to maintain eye contact when talking about such a delicate subject. “Marriage, smarriage. If I was going to have to get married before I could fool around, by golly, I would have to get married at 14. I’m not my great grandpa. I’ve tried to make that very clear!” He teared-up a little at the thought (of being a virgin). “I always told him it wasn’t healthy, that he should get that checked out. But he was a stubborn one about having medical stuff done to him.”

His friends informed reporters it was all Michael could do to stay right with the Lord. The next day a vigil was held in his memory, and in hopes of spreading Virginity Awareness. Michael’s anonymous close friend began the prayer, “Lord, we pray that you sweep up Michael’s Righteous Residue into your arms and carry him into your kingdom,” Going on to commit several grievous malapropisms and theological errs/Jesus hippie confessions.

One thing that the group made very clear is that they would never let this happen to them, and encourage others to take similar precautions. “We know there’s a cure for this—they’ve known about it for years… and kept it a secret!!!” Said the anonymous friend at the head of the vigil, leading the service; all while eying a cute brunette across the candlelit lawn. “They have daily holidays for everything—why not an awareness day for this! Heck, why not a whole week, or month for that matter! All to promote the cause of ending virginity everywhere! God forbid anyone remain Godly!”

“I should have seen it coming,” one friend said later on. “I remember… Michael confided in me once. I should have known. He brought up the word ‘abstinence.’ He’d been doing that a lot. I finally gave in and asked, ‘Abstinence? What’s that? Does it hurt?’ And he turned to me and explained it, but I told him to forget about it. I would look it up in the Urban Dictionary. Of course, I asked him to spell it for me. Oddly enough, he was a spelling bee champion… I don’t know if that had anything to do with his virginity. He spelled it out ‘A-B-S-T-I-N-E-N-C-E-Asterisk.’”

• Of, or relating to, one who shows conviction*.
• Of or relating to one who shows commitment*.
• Of or relating to one who sticks with it, goes all in (except for that one sense of the phrase).

New Google Glasses Filter Out People’s Ability to Notice Diversity

The other day, Google announced it was proud to announce the release of their latest eyewear device. Gary, spokesperson for Google, had this to say, “We’re proud to announce the release of our new device.” He further elaborated that there was a strong principle behind this creation. “Whereas our old glasses were created to supply information to people about different things, the new glasses are going to help people to realize what they need to know.” In short, the new glasses are here to provide a new perspective on society.

“Ever heard of being racially color-blind? These glasses make that a real thing,” he said, with the glasses on. “I can’t tell if you’re black, white, green, or brown. Really, are you green? You look a little ill.” He also elaborated, the new device would prevent the ability of a person to tell a person’s gender. “We think that this is the greatest advancement in feminism… like ever. So, it’s a fifty-fifty shot when you’re flirting with someone, she’s female. The other day at the water cooler I accidentally asked out Bill from accounting.” Gary looked a little unsettled. “I mean… Bill’s a good guy and all… but…”

By taking away our recognition of all of our differences, Google really has made tremendous steps in creating equality for our nation. The glasses also delete conversations about religion, national heritage, and family life. And when related terms show up, the glasses proceed to play a soothing song by John Lennon. “It’s good to see our differences being put aside… in box… set on fire.”

Hate can finally die. Relatability with it. Of course, dating can continue online, the way Google intended. Google said that marketing would begin production very shortly, and that their surveillance had begun gearing up early to draw information on their target audience. Advertisement has already begun. Major savings are being offered on preorders, a special incentive for all the white men they’re shooting for.