Wednesday, the English language revealed what many had long suspected, that it is in the late stages of a terminal illness. In poignant and sluggish speech, the language stood at the podium, with difficulty, trying to communicate the most basic ideas. It took several hours to communicate.
According to the language, a recent “bae” had been found in its lower arteries, and a “fo shizzle” had just passed through its system. It had also been told that its “fleek” level was up.
“I’m sorry you all had to find out this way,” English began. “It was quite a perturbing resonation for me too,” it said, despite it’s best efforts, revealing its bad case of malapropism.
“When it’s time, I want to be buried next to my mother, the Saxon language, and my no-good runaway father, Latin. But they say there’s a chance he’s still alive, out there, somewhere. Doing better than I am.” The reporter declined to reveal to English that Latin was actually living a happy, healthy life in Vatican City and medical classrooms. And when it came to talking about anatomy, some young people know more Latin than English.
“I expect you all to carry on somehow despite my being gone. It seems you already have got off to a good start.” It then proceeded to sing “Danny Boy” to our reporter. “The end is near!” It wailed, its memory now having lost the word “nigh.” “I’m not as elephant as I used to be.”
It expressed his remorse for all the language teachers he would be leaving unemployed. It also stated its intentions for memorial, “There were good times. I had that brief marriage with Chinese. But I just want a proper burial. Let the stone say, ‘This is the S***. Pardon my language.’”
Month: August 2017
Local Parents Never Disappointed In Son They Genetically Designed
In a reminder of truly how blessed they were, Andrea and Nathan Hawk told reporters of their experience raising their wonderful genetically enhanced child. “He’s such a Godsend,” Andrea said, remembering all the paperwork she had to fill out to order the child. “There’s no one like him in all the world. Unless somebody wants to buy the rights to that particular DNA sequence from us, then sure. We need the extra cash.”
“I’m certainly glad we didn’t let him inherit my rambunctious and rebellious genes,” Nathan said, indicating his son in the other room, who sat quietly, staring off into empty space. “I remember when we first brought him home, don’t you?” he said, looking to his wife, “he was quite a sprinter. Kept getting away from us. Climbed his first tree the day after.” He looked endearingly at the blank stare of his son. “They grow up so fast. Especially when its part of their design.”
He later told us of how simple it was to order design changes to an embryo. “We’re members at the genetic enhancing company UpGen. You just fill out a form. Check a whole bunch of boxes. Pick out up to so many talents… We decided he should be a math wizkin, so he can do our taxes for us and finally go on to be an accountant. Oh, and to balance that out we’re giving him a peanut allergy. You’ve got to balance out: really good traits, alongside really bad traits. He’s going to have a really exciting life!” Nathan beamed with pride. “Well, to be honest, we could have upgraded to Gold Membership… just to keep up with the Jones’s across the street. We’re really lookin’ forward to someday seein’ our kid give his all against the Jones’ boy in a real vicious game of soccer some day.”
“We’ve already got the teen years mapped out. He’s gonna experiment with things like Fidget Spinners for a while, but he’ll get back on the straight and narrow before long,” Andrea said.
“We’ll love him as if he were actually our son… Or at least our naturally inherited son. As if he were as defective and imperfect as other kids,” Nathan happily concluded, just as their son ran into the room to announce he had won enough scholarships to buy Harvard.
The Know Nothing 