New Study Highlights Nice Relaxed Feeling Sparked By Realization Worst Headlines Are Only Satire

“We think it’s pretty clear when people see headlines like burning rainforests and Hong Kong protestors, they quickly get a zen from knowing it’s all a lie,” an anonymous researcher said. “That’s why you’ve got to stick with the mainstream media like your publication, the Know Nothing.”

He said it can be good for a person to be confused because the outcome gives you a nice tingly feeling because you know it’s all nonsense.

“There’s a clear correlation there,” he said. “When people get confused, it’s good for them.”

Trump Administration Announces Conquest of Greenland to Bring Nation Together

“You’re gonna love it, people are gonna love me,” President Trump said. “The people of Greenland are gonna love me when I’m their emperor.”

Quick! Everyone Pull All Your Money Out of the Stock Market! It’s Gonna TUMBLE!!!

YOU’VE GOT TO PULL OUT ALL YOUR MONEY IMMEDIATELY! IT’S A STAMPEDE AND YOU BETTER GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET TRAMPLED!

Polls: After Seeing Two Years of Government Inefficiency, Americans Probably Vote For More Government in 2020

“I’m just asking myself: ‘how can I get more of that?” an anonymous Democratic voter said. “It’s not about the boot that’s on your faces, it’s about whose wearing it.”

And how well they’re pulling it off, she added.

The Bernie campaign recently announced they’d be adding FDR’s face to the $10,000 bill.

“You know, it’s a really weird messed up government that only wants to tell me what to do,” she said. “What I really want is someone who will tell us all what to do with our money. Cuz I, like, have no idea what to do with my money.”

She admitted to never taking a finance class.

 

 

Socialist Comrades Join Together in Glorious Fight Against Loud, Unpleasant Noises

“Please,” one unnamed socialist said, “we want you all to use your inside voice. So shut up!”

That socialist immediately apologized for his macro-aggression against naturally loud people.

“The fight starts here,” said the leading socialist. “We must join together in defeating the foot soldiers of capitalism–systemic usage of pronouns and the natural sensory overload. Loud clapping is an obvious tool of tyrants.”

They announced they would soon be storming the mansions and penthouses and summer homes of capitalist pig(s), but in a quiet way.

 

Postmodernist Stays Home From Debate Because Words Don’t Matter

Recently, at no particular time, a postmodernist, claiming nothing could be known, declined to give us his name, though he decided he would alert us to the fact a conveniently categorized “debate” would be taking place to hash out differences about meaningless topics.

New “Vicarious Living” Magazine Brings You All the Celeb Gossip You Could Ingest

Naeem Alrahman/FLICKR

Libertarian magicians Penn & Teller announce run for the White House to make national debt disappear

Harrahs/FLICKR

“We’re totally going for the White House,” said Penn Jillette, outspoken critic of the Trump administration. Teller, unspoken critic of the Trump administration, concurred.

D.C. Residents Worried Their Loudmouth Older Neighbor Might Also Be a Bigot

Tom Lohdan/Flickr

Lawmakers, in a Rare Show of Unity, Craft Bipartisan Bill to Pile on More National Debt

“We’re going to show the nation even in times like these, we can find common ground,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.