Sinclair broadcasters were criticized as being pawns to the company’s views and agenda because they read a statement against bias and opinion journalism.
Month: May 2018
Cat eats mouse; gets accused of being speciesist
Local cat Mr. Buffletonsby-Loveyworth was recently censured by scores of vegans that burst through his front door using all the upper arm strength they had.
They rushed him, trying to stop his heinous consumption of a small mouse.
“No,” one of them shouted, pushing out his chest where his T-shirt read “meat is murder.”
“I know,” Mr. Buffletonsby-Loveyworth replied.
Mr. BL later said he was getting tired of all the byproduct meal in his food and wanted to try something natural. The Animal Rights people said that both were bad and offered him a nice smoothie.
“Wow, first of all, it’s cruel feed them that canned rubbish. It’s all byproduct. How dare those people not waste that byproduct? Why do they put it into their food instead? How do they sleep at night? AND YOU–” the 60-year-old hippie said to the cat, “you are a speciesist.”
The vegans wore shirts stained with fake blood.
“It’ll be a trend. It’s like the new ripped jeans, or designer mud jeans,” one of them said.
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Study: Covering Up Alien Crashes Only Thing Government Does Quickly
A study published by the Journal of Ufology and Political Institutions (neither of which are legitimate) reported that the quickest function of government is to make people believe alien crashes don’t happen in their second edition.
The first edition of the journal was released trying to make the argument Ufology is actually a legitimate “-ology.”
“Yep, nothin’ gets the government going like the scare that the public might find out we’re not alone in the universe. I don’t know if you noticed this, but unauthorized government action is often the fastest,” Anonymous Dale said. “One division of government looks like it’s investigating to find the truth while another is covering all that truth up. What you got going on is what we call the Hokey-Pokey Effect–where the left foot don’t know what the right foot’s doin’.”
Anonymous Dale, conspiracy theory extraordinaire and late-night radio show host, said there’s nothing quite like the risk of sudden enlightenment to get the government moving.
Dale publishes the Journal of Ufology and Political Institutions. He said that covering up whether or not there are little green men (or women) is a way bigger priority than balancing the budget, accounting for the needs of Americans, or taking actions against terrorists.
“The idea that finding out there might be something out there that might cause humanity to gain perspective, unite the planet, and start singing Kumbaya is quite frankly a little scary for them. Maybe for us too,” he said.
To accommodate the range of readers who only read headlines, the Know Nothing will be converting to a headline-only newspaper!
Public figure issues formal statement over controversy: “We apologize,” ______ says. “We didn’t realize this was going to set you all off.”
Somebody issued a formal apology today, saying something they did was not intended to cause an uproar in response.
“Somehow this went overlooked,” somebody said. “And I know they’re just empty, over-used words, but blah–blah–blah, sorry.”
Somebody went on to say whatever incident it was, it was not good, and someone kindly pointed that out, and they deserve something for that. They took to Some Media platform to issue a thorough, meaningful 280-character apology for their past of treachery and deceit.
“We just wanted to take this opportunity to say how sorry we are and we never would have done it if we knew we were going to get tarred and feathered and run out of town over it,” somebody said.
The Know Nothing 