New Study Finds Intelligence Linked to Literally Anything You Want

Researchers at Really True study center recently reported evidence linking intelligence to practically anything. Really True studied everyone with unbecoming qualities, from nail-biters to folks who leave their rooms sloppy, and statistically found that practically anything unbecoming could be used to support the idea of intelligence.

Ken Bottler, who is both the leader of the research project and a slob himself, said this was groundbreaking in making up reasons for losers to feel better about themselves.

“It’s really interesting,” bottler said, chewing on a pickle between statements and setting his feet up on the desk. “We’re pumped. Most of us have no social skills, so this makes his all take this to mean we’re super-smart—” He belched. Right then and there. He didn’t use a period. He used a burp.

The researchers said a person showed exceptional signs of intelligence if they were liberal, pot-smoking atheists. Among these were also extreme laziness, the inability to hold a job, and promiscuity that would make a libertine blush. Smarter people also use stupid language and find it impossible to express themselves in highly detailed and verbose language. Instead, they simply use the flexible, creative, and dynamic F-Bomb. Unfriendliness, insensitivity, and flippancy can all be sign can all be signs of intelligence if you really, really think so. Wishful thinking is also a sign of intelligence. Jaywalking, because it challenges preconceived notions and laws just for the hell of challenging preconceived notions, can also be a sign of intelligence.

“So if you happen to be a slovenly, loafing, sexually experimenting, drunken, foul, liberal, atheist, disrespectful jaywalker, you’ve probably got Stephen Hawking beat,” Bottler said with a wink.

As more information reveals itself, Really True expects to find more support for the idea everything you wouldn’t expect links to intelligence.

Revolutionary Theory Suggests Lifeforms Popping Up Out of Nowhere is Perfectly Natural

A shocking new theory has arisen in the science community, one that suggests inanimate matter becomes animate because that’s just how things work. The theory is that entropy, the continual disorganization of the universe, actually helps to produce highly organized and complex living things. Much like the Big Bang and that SUV that totaled your car, the first lifeforms just popped up out of nowhere.

No joke here: apparently disorder in the universe, or entropy, can eventually lead to the creation of life and then, you know how it goes, it only gets more complicated from there.

That being said, next you’ll have these simple lifeforms becoming more and more complex, movin’ on up into the masterpiece creature we humans are today.

Jeremy England came up with this revolutionary theory. Nobody saw this coming either. Naturally because nobody knows how something inert can suddenly become ert.

England presented evidence for his theory from the unicorn that developed in his backyard.

“Yeah, we’re about done with this whole God idea,” he said. “In a universe in which everything has meaning, why should the universe itself have meaning?”

England also said he enjoyed how the theory paid homage to the 17th century theory of Spontaneous Generation, which he said was all poppycock, but it certainly was an interesting thing to come up with for a #ThrowbackThursday.